"i never could forgive him, even after 4years. and one day i woke up and think why the hell am i feeling like this, and i cheered up. it takes a certain getting used to. but no i dun want to ever be friends with someone who broke my heart. its just too much too tiring and better to stay away. "
nick ng is confused. becos a day without thinking of you, without missing you doesnt exist.
"you must actually force force force urself to forget. to think of other things. its damn damn hard but u can tell her that you cant make it and that you want her to stay away. "
sigh so much for advices. but u know not every cook every broth.. or something liddat.
i think these are lousy advices anyway. becos its not my style. but i dunno what's her style really. hais just saying i dun want to have dinner or another time.. makes me sound stupid. haiyo. i am stupid lar.
its like getting shitted on. and smiling and saying hey its fine. i m a colorectal surgeon.
right. hais
but ok at least at least you are going strong.. you are so tough now. without me. it keeps biting really. that this was what you always wanted that i have been a total idiot. and yeah that i trapped you so much. by i dunno doing what.
that now i m not sure what i should do also. i am cui. i dun want to school anymore.
i fall for superficial things now. so i believe her when she said. that i was her EC in uni. ok anything. jsut blow me away. whatever.
nick ng doesnt deserve to feel like this? really meh?
just casual. just casual. and then screw the world over.
i dunno what to do. because the rain wont come. the sun wont shine.
we stayed up all night. ok till 5. talked, bridge and board walk.
and its like a game of bridge. sometimes you look at the cards and u want to continue bidding. but sometimes the hand you were dealt with is just undesirable. unwanted. and u start hoping for a wash. and then u force a wash. so you stopped bidding. just stop.
like a deck of cards, the player. yes player gives up after having used the trumps and colors to win her suites. player is always ready to lose, always ready to play a new game always has a partner to cover up. or just dun bother covering up. but the cards return to the deck and gets lost forever. cards can be admired for a while and at the very end declared to suck. and there is nothing the cards can do about it. they pray each time they ve the right combination. but each time they get reshuffled. they lose their importance after serving their function.
players sometimes want a challege, they want to win with a bad hand. sometimes they wished they had tried or bid more. sometimes its too late to go looking for the cards once they are out.
show hand.
just like that. u stopped bidding. u sigh and ur cards dun look pretty anymore.
the good times are what kills me the most.
i m sorry. i tried i really tried. but cards have feelings too . they dun like knowing that they are not the one for the player. and they know they are always subjected to returning to the deck.
i think.. sigh yah i think. this is it. i think history was ur favourite subject. or ur least favourite subject. an extreme. like the way u quickly hide the cards under the carpet.
i cant anymore. it is my fault again. but its just too painful.
hello blog, i think i dun need you anymore. for at least a while i hope. after tomorrow.
today i am sorry. i really was out of line.
ok a tribute to mr ong.
writeups. Many m4s and some m3s call it the bane of their existence. mr ong was the patient i failed to clerk properly. but in failure, its not all black. or at least i would like to think so this time. he said he liked me. that i have to work hard and succeed and stay humble. a doctor who listens and understands is hard to find these days. or sth liddat. i cant rmb what he said.
so he was relieved that surgery would not be needed but in reality surgery is prob the best if probable. its one of those relatively assymptomatic cases where before he knew it, he was yellow and filled with liver mets from the sigmoid with a liver so hugethat it spreads across to hide the spleen.
sigh and he like eevry patient have a storyt o tell. so he told me abt the time his wife had to go for deep brain stimulation. the time she had depression. he told me his anguish. his despair. he speaks of the love in his family. told me what his children werk as and how proud he is of them. and how loving his grand children are towards him and his wife whom he fell for tho she was two yrs older. he told me abt the courtship days.
he only has 3 to 6 months left to live.
he said he lived a hard life. with a clubbed hand. (i should look closer to home) he was a sailor all his life.and a cargo clerk. learnt to drive the fork life. learnt to stack goods and priorities them based on mass on board countless of ships day after day. promoted fast and could give his familya good life.
education he didnt have. regret and guilt he has. there was a time where he stole food during the japanese occupation to survive. they will stake out at houses with mini plantation of tapioca and what not and prepare to rush in, steal and sprint. it was then the only way to survive. he said he knew it was wrong but no choice. and that all the japanese gave was noodle staled noodles soaked in red oil. life was unimaginable. they learnt to boil the noodle and drain the oil.
and now life will be differnt. days are numbered. almost. all that is left to be said and done. will be said and done.
it is only when you laugh at me i feel sheepish. it is only you i can share everything with. i want to share the world with. you make me want to be a better man. i ll be there when the time comes. it maybe but not forever. so dun shut the door.
it is not looks, not material nothing, its because you are you. sigh.
you know how they say that blogs make people sound more emotional and angsty than they really are? sigh i used to agree. but looking back at all my entries thus far. i kinda think my blog is almost an effective mirror.
sunday is coming. 21. sigh and what am i. a ?? human being. query human being, query adult, query good person. they say that i m a good man. or so i have heard. but if that was true why did you choose that path.
and so in my dream i hear the words. please let me go please let me be free please let me be happy. again and again. like how i have trapped you so bad. that i was jealous. that i must have trapped you. and now once again i should just leave you i guess. if not there be no difference. let you have what you want.
65 guests will mean maybe 38 msges saying i will always be ur fren. i will always lend u my ears tho we dun see each other so much you can always come and find me. but one such msg will stand out the most. the most morbid joke. so i can picture readin a cold msg that says sth like i m sorry, i ll always listen to u . i m always here for u.. (believe it or not) i will always.. or you have always been my best fren. the coldest most morbid msg that will stick out on a bday card.
finally i m reduced. finally u let me be reduced into nothingness. so that i m just another figure. so that after the big show on sunday. i can be left chokin on air. pls lord dun be so cruel. pls close these eyes of mine.
i think maybe even when i m nothing. i can still make you laugh. ha ha hais
today i failed because i couldnt bear to break the patient's heart. he wanted to talk to me. to tell me so much. but i had to clerk him and present him. i couldnt bear to interupt. therefore i failed again
so maybe i shouldnt have called. is it too soon to tell oh what the hell does it really matter how do you redefine something that never really had a name
i m nothing but a failure in life. in truth. i will never get maybe what i think i deserved. that i have given up. is a statement of truth. i have given up. that what i thought i deserved. will never be. never say never?
in summary i lose. i trusted and i fall. and all my sentences start with I.
you let the little things get in the way. the truth is u never realise that no matter what ppl say they want you to be happy. and sometimes they are jealous.. sometimes they are doubtful but you should be better than them. in the end they want to know you are happy too. and they know you can be with .. regardless what they say. the truth is that with enough time washed over and its you and me. with enough time.
in summary maybe you had ur reasons. maybe few are valid most u make them up to justify why u have to do what you did. you know i am right
i never believed in pampering myself. or indulging once in a while never. that i shall trudge thru this life. i have no sense of worry. alr
in summary i let you go.
becos space will drive us apart. oni space. if i take that space away now, u wun do what u do. u never trustd me. u never had faith in me. it was a disappointment that even at the very end you didnt come to find me.. to talk to me. it was strong stronger than what most ppl have. i believe. btu i was convenient. i was ard more.
like so many ppl who tell me they believe i can change the world.
man can oni be this strong. in sumamry thou shall not believe he can change the world. in summary with everything swallowed and hidden and kept inside, life will explode. chee ba bom. in truth i m waiting. just waiting for another wave to scoop me up you dunno what you are doing. really u dunno what we can be and what we deserved. u are just too cruel. and u take me for a toy a joke a convenience.
i dun want to be strong anymore. it is not worth it. i just want to go. away. away away. and rest peacefully. if peace ever existed.
cos i dunno you anymore i dun recognise this place the pictures and frames have changed and so has your name
we dun talk much anymore we keep running form the pain but what i wouldnt give to see your face again
spring time in the city always such relieve from the winter breeze the snow is more lonely than cold if you know what i mean
everyone's got their agenda dun stop keep that chin up u will be alright
can u believe what a yr it has been, are you still the same? has ur opinion changed?
cos i dunno you anymore i dun recognise these sentences
i know i have let you down again and again
i know i have never really treated you right. i have paid the price i m still paying for it everyday.
and so they say we can never change who we are. our fundamentals. we can never change the way we love and the way we want to be loved. sigh.
just that i have no fundamentals. none. i m hollow and empty inside hyper resonant.
so here's where it is at. i m tired of guessing, filling up my reasons. trying to come up with explanations. telling myself i know. becos i dun. i m down to two choices. A and B
becos ultimately life must go on right? or life must stop preferably. i m not sure if choice A or choice B is more painful but i m inclined to think choice A is less painful. now. today at this present moment. becos you walked past me and turned ur head away.
sadly my blog is perhaps my most real voice. sadly. sadly. so in order to make a proper choice between A and B i would need to do some serious work and some cross referencing.
because this is like handling poison. like handling worms.
so baseline you have always been passive. but i think i m the only one putting in effort now. maybe its me again
sigh its me who wanted this its me who wanted that. ok so thats a call for option A
if i rewind.. during the ten days, u msged and u replied a lot.. and u msged some song and said u found the perfect lyrics you win. when u got back, the next day we met. the next day you started your cycle and then the next you said i wanted you to hate me during the job shadowing. hmm now why? why would you say that? but we drag on.
i need to dissect this. carefully. so there was a problem from day one return to singapore alr. from after the trip. ok was it the listeninng the lack of conversation or the extra.. hmm
but we moved on a few weeks. and u really just wanted it to be over.
so i cross reference to the big guy. he chose choice A. now i m not even sure if choice A would be painful for you becos frankly this is all me and i dunno you anymore. the big guy decided choice A was the way to go and he seem right. becos like the person in the big guy's case you did the same thing. u let me think it was serious and then nth. just nothing. pull out. like feelings were playthings meant to be thrown about. and so most people choose choice A and decide that its too hard.
basis to choose choice A it has to be too tiring. other options must have been tried. it seems like there is oni a one sided desire for salvation of frenship or whatever you are cold dead passive. it wun pain u at all. you are surrounded by ur "frens" ur new "frens" laughing jolly, just looking pretty.
choice B is to pretend. to act and hope for the best. to decide to put everythin behind talk casually. be subjected to the fact and continuous reminder. that.. i am not at all special anymore. to make u free happy whatever. choice b is to not get a grip of myself and have no feelings and be totally blur and out of ctrl. choice b is to the the good guy. and pray that something good comes out eventuali.. anything.
choice b deserves respect if done properly. choice b requires too much strength.
i m glad today it seems like i have finally thought of options.
choice A is to delete. becos i am only human. because all this while it has only been me giving. from start till end. when u went mad. up the canopy trail. every single time i make sure its a job completed. no edges. nth done half fuck.
choice A is the best way to deal with the monsters. with the monster. someone who doesnt deserve. somene who treated u like .... to begin with. who took you for granted. choice A is to recognise all that. that i have been taken for granted. lied to . played with .,that i was never significant. and i am pathethic. that i was just someone convenient back then but not anymore. choice A is what bitches deserve. choice A is to give unconditional hate.
cmon tell me. what to do. fuck. what do you want me to do. i m askin you to be calm becos i m not. why cant u bring urself to look at me and talk to me. do i have to be the one who says hi personally first too? do i have to do everything myself. yes i m probably the only one. you are probably flying, getting along new frens.. laughter ppl you once bitched to me abotu now ur best frens. ironic. pathetic. you are studyin prrogressing.. running. and i m jsut pathetic.pathetic. wishing to be run over by a car.
and choice a most imptly lets you know you were right to begin with. that you made the right decision. that i deserved to be dumped. choice A would provide reasons for everyting. choice A will show adequately that nick was/ is an asshole and a jerk. choice A would not solve anything.
but for now i just need analgesics. and maybe not for now. maybe for life.
talk to me woman. and no not just on msn. say the right words. come out of ur shell. and speak up. i have seen you done in on stage. u can act like nothing and u dun care but i cant. unless you want me to.
with each passing day i make myself a patient and a loser. i make myself less attractive and more of a nut case. with each passing day, i prove to you ur decision was right.
this is where "i should" and "i could" and there are the i could not but i should and the i should but i could not toos
becomes a blurred line.
i could/should face you i could/should ok there is a whole list of verbs.
it keeps playing in my head. ur so many expressions. our so many times. i see the milo u brt to me. my tummy aching. i see ur expression when u say " so good" eyes wide shut.
and then the killing and screaming comes.
how does it feel to be told i dun like you anymore? i dun want you anymore. just like that. and the many many killings. i wish i could wear a mask.
forever.
i wish i knew if its better to .. and there comes the list of verbs.
one more week. one more week and i ll make a real decision. i hope.
i hope all frens stay frens for one more week.
GOD you where are you?
one true voice so u say.
they say u always will have a soft spot. i say thank you for the souvenir. now its the time
1) digicam haiyo i dunno whats good still 2) ipod speakers anything stylish la..looks are everythign no? 3) funky headphones 4) Ipod extra batteries 5) dumbbell/ weights set 6) portable harddisk 7) lifetime supply of yellow highlighters.
hello liar, have you checked the mirror? what are you doing sia? argh liar liar pants are literally on fire.
what am i doing sia. it feels like history all over again. really? i feel like an alien and everything around me is just unreal like i m in the wrong dimension. new furniture. splurging.. partying. my mind travels back to an event called post ihg bash where it was teh first time i entered sucha place. it was dark and blasting music and then a familiar hand a familiar squeeze and it calmed me a lot. later i left oni to book the wrong tickets.
anyway so back to present day i feel like this pilot who suddenly suffers an actue onset of amnesia. its like i forgot how to flythe plane.. operatorrr.. operatorrr.. and in my desperation i pressed something wrong, screwed up and the plane starts to plummet.. note i have no idea what i m doin. cos i m struggling to remember where i was heading to in the first place.. what kinda cockpit? wait cockpit? what cockpit. so i push a wrong liver and suddenly i m tryin to figure out my orientation but its too late.. i lost track of my coordinates where the shit am i.. wait am i even the pilot. there is a concurrent symphony of alarms and anouncements flashing lights of all warning variety. god where the hell am i. does the acute amnesia fade away? some form of sanity ..anythign ..inject something into me. no nothing..shuld i eject..where will i go.. wait i need to figure the controls b4 everything is too late. before everything is over
so yeah this is it now. its so unreal. the sky outside is stil calm..blue and white from wadeva angle or orientation you look at it. but here where ur foot rests on its not the same. i think i pushed a wrong button.. or applied to much pressure to a particular lever and like many things in life it is not going to be reversible. so shit maybe i will just go witht he flow and find new destination and stability. maybe i shuld stayin this turbulence and learn the controls.. maybe i can learnt he controls later.. maybe i can stand up give up walk out.
what am i doing sia. everythin at home has gone flat. every monitor.. computer monitor blew.. tv monitor oso blew.. it feels so extravagant.. suddenly i have two lcd huge monitor screens at home one new printer.. and my bro bought liek so m nay new gadgets. this has never been my world.
for a moment i saw myself gulping it down. a can of beer. and so that day has come. transformation day.
for a momenti ran really fast, i ran again. and so that day reprised.
there was a point of time when i set sail, i knew the winds were not a factor. i knew that no matter how far out i go, i was still in ctrl.
and that what happened?
i grew up. got heavier, yatch is harder to ctrl. i have no ctrl anymore. all i want to do is to be numbed. and then i will test whether i m numb or not by putting a blade to my chest. and i ll grind. then its a game of now you feel it, now you dun.
sigh nick. what are you doing? you are working too hard. you need to give urself a break you know. you have the answers but u refuse to see them. you understand most terms better than others btu youa re not applying anything. you knwo that love hurts. you knwo that there is no right or wrong one. you know there is no sorry. u know pain u still push.
i feel so unwanted unattractive. i feel like an extra piece of furniture . ard ur great collection. like the chair u wanna throw out but havent decided when. or u havent throw out just out of pity. i feel so pathetic. there are too many I s in my sentences.
dear liar, you are not very good. lied again, liar.
run run run. run as fast as you can k. aint no one can reach you. aint no one can stop you. aint no achievements in life greater than the distance you run in life. yeah run well and recooperate well. no distance is to be belittled bcos its the going that counts. and i will gaze ur strokes. stand ur pace.
becos only running makes us strong. he who cannot run anymore lays to waste. lays to waste. perishers.
becos the strength is in everything else but me.
sometimes i have no more reserve left. sometimes i think i have no more reserves left. sometimes i think i should conserve reserves. sometimes i think to blast away the slightest bit of reserves if any accumulated.
sometimes but almost never i have too much reserves. these times i am not running, i m streaming, gliding flying.
so i hope that you will glide always. haha its only ten. but i hope you are all psyched.
this is the runner's dilemma. this is the runner's creed.
oh i will like to add a portable hard disk to my wishlist. but it comes after my lifetime supply of hightlighters. haha oh and i havent got coldplay cd. argh. or any cd. but i always have my music supplier. she is a bit lag this time.lol where art thou?!
"you may die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain"
"dun make me ur only hope of living a normal life."
i m in pain again my knees are giving up on me. my ears are popping. this is what happens. you get along fine everyday and one day someone comes with a boost and makes you super fine. showers you with all the attention and care. says things that fuel you. let you know you are special or let you know that u make her feel special. then takes it all away. and then you think you can never be fine again. and suddenly you are gasping to be held. to have attention on you. but i m gasping instead to give people attention. i wish there was someone i can fix now. i wish there was something i can do.
i give you my frens. i give everything but i m just not brave enough. i alr am.. i have already offered so much from the start. i shared everything with you. everything. i see couples on the streets and i think that i could well .. i should be well in that now esp with my bday coming with everything you once promised. i told everyone the best thing about me was you. and now all i ve left is ur happiness. i watch you smile. it makes me happy. but sad becos it isnt me who make you smile anymore. so today i clerked an old man who said that he has lived long enough. 76 is long enough he has achieved everything ..three boys all in their forties all married and doin very well in their jobs. 5 grandchildren.. he doesnt need rude doctors. he only needs to know when he can go and he just needs the world to show a bit of kindness becos everything he has seeked out for he has it already there is nth to lose anymore. nothing to worry for. nothing to worry about. you know i m trying. the average person would never want to..would find it too painful to even think about it anymore. but here i am thinkin about when i can be ready to face you again. when i can finally say the right things. here i am thinking about how to be ur friend how to overcome my fear. so please give me some more time. just in case. i m already greater than you think. i mean it is as expected right. i have just made the worst judgement call in my entire life so be patient. i may not be able to face you now. but i really want to. u have to just help me. but if anything ever happens to you if you are ever hurt, upset, stressed worried sad, needy, i will be there faster than anyone/anything in this world. thats how much i care. once you start thinking about the what could have been, you are on ur way to recovery becos you would discover the other side of the what could be been. becos there should never be what ifs.
i cant love halfway. i cant hate halfway either. there is no gray for me. it has to be clear. i can only be ur friend but i cant be a lousy friend too. and if i ever hate, ppl normally pray hard. because i would go all the way too. so i dun.
i dun like it. i dun like to be complimented. unless i feel i deserved it. when u said i was the best, i believed you. but for everyone else. pls dun. i hate it when patients say that i m the best medical students they have come across. that i remnd them of their sons that i really will be a great doctors cos i know how to care for them. put their shoes on for them give them tissue when they cry. tell me things like i am differnt. tell me to study hard. normally the average person will be super happy. but i am not the average person becos i know nothing last. that good becomes bad. that the best of me is the most predisposed to become the worst of me. but secretly i rejoiced. that there is at least something i can do. i pride myself then. that if you cant ever be loved. or if u can never love one, you can make the rest of the world loved. so i shouldnt put my hope of being normal on one person becos life will never be the same again, becos this is what i have signed up for. and and its cos easy to lose faith in the world becos of losing faith in one person. and becoming someone else. so help me. help me god that i will never lose faith in the world. i maybe smiley now but i m ay be the next rude thing. (HO) whatever to piss a patient off.
dun cry on me. please dun. cos i cant take it. cos i dunno if i would be me forever.
two faced is just a verge. a tipping scale. everybody reaches break point where they have to decide which plan they want to follow. why so serious indeed? becos the joker is jsut an inciting agent in our lives constantly. tipping up back and forth. we are always tempted to make that one irreversible wrong decision. its a turning point that we must arrive at. that we will all arrive at. and when you get there you have to decide to turn or to wait for the next turning. to have that unbiased coin in hand? to be totally impartial, to leave everythign to chance pure chance? (btw no coin or dice is ever impartial its physically impt to have 100 percent balanced weight) everything needs a hand of biasness. that is the human flaw. everything has a soft spot. (we will always have soft spots for the ones we loved) to be totally impartial is fatal. its hitler like. to have a soft spot will more often than not allow us to steer inthe better direction (better but nt right) contradicting eh. cos conventionally we all want to eliminate bias dun we?
so the show was not about the dark knight, it was about three men and if we have to pick one.. the show was about harvey two face. the three good people in the show. batman can only be a hero behind a mask.. like many of us. who wears a protective mechanism and pretend to be jerks.
gordon worries about not being able to do good the good way. he is always afraid ..watching his back ..afraid of makin that fatal mistake. and the time will come when the inevitable occurs. and the inevitable occurs.
two faced is the man who rides the wave. the man who can be the public figure.. the impossibly driven man. but what hangs everything is a thin line.. a light thread. it is love
and take away that element of love, the one with the mask can hide. the one afraid will grief, but the one the two faced will change. he will hit the point of no return. onve he gets over the plateau. he is the one who will lose faith in mankind.
dark knight rocked. the social experiment was so cool.
haha actually i think its ok right to announce what i want. afterall its oni one night.
i want a digital camera. i dunno whats good tho. i want a new bag sling kind, big enough to put one textbook lab coat stethoscope, umbrella etc etc sporty lookin preferably. i want a new headphones i want textbooks for med posting haha right i want weights. 4 kgs and 6 kgs. haha
I've been watching your world from afar I've been trying to be where you are And I've been secretly falling apart Unseen To me, you're strange and you're beautiful You'd be so perfect with me But you just can't see You turn every head but you don't see me
I'll put a spell on you You'll fall asleep When I put a spell on you And when I wake you I'll be the first thing you see And you'll realize that you love me
Sometimes the last thing you want comes in first Sometimes the first thing you want never comes But I know that waiting is all you can do Sometimes
I'll put a spell on you You'll fall asleep When I put a spell on you And when I wake you I'll be the first thing you see And you'll realise that you love me
I'll put a spell on you You'll fall asleep Cause I put a spell on you And when I wake you I'll be the first thing you see And you'll realize that you love me, yeah
i feel so alone. the world is not going to stop for me. they say the world need me. no the world could use me. so could you. actions are divided into voluntary and involuntary. so is thinking voluntary or involuntary? or is there a sub division for impulse and planned thought. Type A and Type B
so form my point of view. thinking is involuntary. and doesnt that make everything else. so i picture myself. i picture myself. but thats all i can do. i ll say thank you first. for coming into my life. i ll beg you for time to hear me out. i ll beg u not to resist but you dun resist anyway. and i will say thank you. for coming today. for this means so much to me. i am sorry if i have ever hurt you. i m sorry if i was ever misunderstood. i m sorry i m sorry. but i need to say this and because today is today let me be.
i will say that with my heads bowed that i can never raise them again, with my shoulders shrugged that i can never lift them again. i ll say i m sorry i behaved the way i did. i am sorry i cannot look at you yet. i will say i still care for you everyday, as a friend, as a humn being. no just as nick. whatever ur definition of this curious figure ever was.
i will say that its the hardest thing for me. and maybe its karma. but i really did believe i made you happy everyday. i really did believe i was ur solution to the world's pain. i realy believed this was it. that it would work. i dunno why. i really was foolish. and i want to remain foolish... even if only by myself. i mean by myself but thank you thank you thank you. for everything
and i am saddest when the world acts like they know. when ppl talk it doesnt bother me. cos i, we are stars in this world. ppl want to know everything but noone ever catches a falling star
and i m saddest when they lose their legs. becos i m a runner. even if i dun run i m a runner at heart. runners last longer. thats the saying. i feel miserable and cold.. iloe my direction now.
my shoulder is vacant, my hands are frozen. becos only u know me. becos i left the best of me with you. and now u think which is worse..tobe told to wake up and not have ur legs with you.. or to be told to have only three more months to live. but both are sad. sad is beautiful. beautiful is painful and pain is what it means to be human. everyone tells me i ll be great someday. as a carer at least. patients tell me that so much. but all i see is a scared figure. who melts when he sees love. love is like a chemotatic agent. like an opsonising antibody. once coated with love, u are tAGGED to be destroyed. becos nothing nothing last forever.
n the patient has a brother to wipe his feet, to carryhim. he has maggots on his foot he is loved by his brother and by nature. he doesnt feel fear anymore but beuaty in which is nothing but twisted translated sadness. and i put his shoes on for him. he smiles. like he has never smile b4.
its worse to lose ur limbs becos they have carried you. its like losing the love of ur life. its like losing somthing dependable once upon a time. if i was told i had three mths to live. iwouldnt feel it. not in the first two mths.. then in the last mth. i make peace. i prepare to depart..but as a whole i hope. i hope.
and i saw it in him. the beautiful arcus senilis. a strong jokin funny old man. i saw the life sucked out of him. the wasting. the face that saw its impending doom. but who knows if he is doomed. so i lived 20. i say its a gd twenty. and he just bleeds . and he cant bathe. and he is defeated. deep inside i know i m defeated. but the irony of me is i dun understand what that means at all. and i saw it inthe old man. i m gone but am i really gone. you have gone. but i m still with you.
pen pal in the corner. saves one life. but for how long.
i think this is the last time. i ll be writing about this episode. i think now i should have known from the start.
i know no two ppl in a relationship who can ever love each other equally and it always swings.
this was the you i fell for to begin with. i knew you were always young, a tad immature afraid insecure. it was what i liked most abt u.. what i liked to fix. becos it seems there could always be result. i could always assure u and make ur day. and that made my day. maybe i alr have once again. maybe i failed but succeed. maybe u cant build a pillar for a construction that keeps collapsing. or maybe no pillar equals strength. somethings prefer the ground.
u cannot lie to urself. that was what i thought. becos at the recesses in the back of ur head u will be screaming. but how often does one venture to the recesses of his head. so yeah u can lie to urself. if u do it enough you will believe ur lie. there will oni be silence left no more screaming. i saw this day. i saw this day come. at the back of my head.
practice like what they always say. makes you good.
so let the countdown restart itself. certain characteristics shuld stay. my ears will always have. my name will still be nick. the oni memories i have are fond ones. thats how i live. the oni person i have allowed to explore the unpleasant ones was you.
pride can change everything unless it is intercepted. therefore i am intercepting it. i ll let u have ur peace of mind. i ll make an effort and i encourage u too. becos like u said i m ur best fren. and there is no excuse for fren for breakin each other's heart, for livin with pride. thank you.
to make an effort is too weak. charging in works better. i ll be here to listen to you. you said u will still be here to listen to me. so its time we do some listening before it all becomes just words. empty. i m waiting for the brain to take over. for rationale to take over. the brain is the oni organ in ctrl. it does the math. and the brain says time doesnt heal. time allows oni for drifting.
u need to listen. i said i want u to come to my party. no still.. always wanted. not one moment not. yeah :) and from here we move.
i should have known. i should ve been wiser. i should have seen it coming. when u loved, u love me so fiercely i was scared. i was shit scared. and i thk i can never afford to lose you.
and i should have known that when it was going to be over, u will cut deep as well. you will be just as ruthless. look right thru me look right thru me.
trauma xrays are the worse. displaced ribs. no arrow sign needed. i feel it like a bomb shell anterior posterior crushing. i dunno if i can be repaired but death is often what reminds us that life is frail. that we are oni human.
i should ve seen this coming that it was going to be this painful. if i knew i would never have ever stepped. i would never have allowed myself to ..
yes i regret. i regret. its easy to say at least u have loved b4.. live with no regret. but this time i regret.
and its sunday. the day i go back to hall normally..after an entire of tuition onslaught. then hall meetings after all the numbing.. an entire year when i felt like dying, u were my energy. i will not forget. how fierce u were.
i m not gonna hate u. but it oni makes sense to rmb the good and preserve whatever can be.
how? how did u do it? how could u bear to cut someone liddat. i m not crazy right? i am not. i didnt dream or imagined all this right. you have been there for me right?
how could u be so indifferent. are u in pain. no. are u happier really? what did i do to u so bad that we need to get to the end of the line. we sit and werk things out isnt that how we werk. isnt that supposed to be the way. were we not goin so strong. u always had ur doubts did i not clear them one by one. were u not the one who wanted it more than me. how how could u let me fall and then walk away. how could u be so so so damn cold. how could u let everything scar. just scar.
was i too much baggage. was i too much for u to care for. but as i rmbered it was the other way most of the time. was i not the oni one the one who could make u laugh who knew the right words to say. did u not want to be happy. was i not the one u wanted to listen for hours did u not give it a try when there was sth u didnt like. did i not rush to u every single time when u are in need. no? did u not do the same for me. why baby? did we not call each other that. why are u uncovering now why are u fighting to forget. jsut who said or did what. u were always influenced by everything ard. u always made judgement call and always pessimistic with ppl.. but with me should there be a bit of faith. shouldnt there be? have i not proven time and agn. did we not want to do everythign tgt. did i not give u space. could u not tell me when u couldnt take sth.
did i realy love u too much. u think its intoxicating me. u think thats noble? to choose to let me go to prevent further possible hurt? is that it? prophylactic release? is that it. how could someone have loved u too much. isnt that what ppl beg for. or anyone would beg for.did we fight?
did i not change the moment u said u were uncomfortable with something.
why are u doin this. why FREAKIN WHY. why can u just let urself forget. is it all a game. just a game. why wun u say something real for once. i m just chokin choking here. haunted by what not. did i do something less something more.. did i say sth wrong. was it so weak from the beginning. did u not think it could werk. did u not believe me. was it so not strong? anss.. i want answers.
and i dun want to know as well and i just want to know u are alright.i want to know that no one is bullying you. i want to see u smiling still. i still want to talk to you like normal. i still want to werk so hard at fixing whatever that still can be fixed. i m so hopeless. i still want to repair enough to know that i havent become another seat. that we are still impt frens to one another.
but how. time doesnt heal it doesnt fix. forgetting is not remedy. not like that. u dig a hole and then left me inside. but i hopelessly wanna crawl out to tell u its alright. dun u see. dun u see.. are u too young. areu really too young to see all this. how could u break ur best fren's heart. i must be mad to publish all these. but i alr have lost all the pride there is.
u said u were here to save me. that u miss me that u will miss me. but u are not anymore right. i dun deserve anymore right. u said i always see the best in other ppl. dun i deserve that too. all i asked is for a little in return. u know me thru and thru but yet u can choose to walk out. how does it feel. does it feel good. tell me u re fine that nth hurts at all. i thought someone was going to rescue me for a change. u are not the same as..the rest of the world right
u said u will never forget everything that u never opened ur eyes so that u can stall the memory. is this it. are we all ipods. storing memory oni. whats that supposed to be. if u are happier i want you to be. but really? why. slowly but surely u cant leave me in the lurch forever right.
i am thankful everyday. i m stil thankful that we met that i m feeling human today. that i m actuali not impervious to pain and hurt. i m thankful. jsut come back and talk to me. i can be courageous if u can pretend that that.. i dunno. i just want no more spacing. i just want that hole repaired. i cannot spit on the love ppl ard me have shown the way u spat on mine. i cant. i m not playing the good guy or rather i dun even have to try. jsut tell me that its over. and u can take that step to make sure i recover. not by fading away. please no. please jsut no. i want to hear u. i want to hear u. i want to be ard u.
when my time comes, forget the wrong that i ve done. help me leave behind some reasons to be missed. dun resent me when u re feelin empty . keep me in ur memories leave out all the rest.
its so cold. so bloody cold. outside. all i can do is shiver. love so deep love so fierce love so dead. did i give too much..is that why.. was it never strong.. was it just fun... give too much? u feel trapped.. shouldnt love be abt givin it all...
i m haunted as if fight. u are every corner i turn.. i could try but i dun i dun want to forget u.. it wasnt something i imagined right.. it wasnt right.. m i goin mad.. m i mistaken.. why why.. how could u bear to let someone hurt so much.. u are too young? u are trapped.. how could u bear to make me feel this way. i dun want anymore.. there is no more pride there is no more boundaries.. there is just me cold unwrapped.. with a diagnosis of being mad. but i m not mad right. i m not insane. this would hurt for anyone else. i dun want.. i just want to give up. do u even read.. do u care.. what are u thinkin.. why cant u tell me. why cant i know. how can u be so mean. no you are not. every bit was real wasnt it. pinchme if it isnt am i somewhere else.
my mum tht i was goin to kill myself.cos i forgot to bring my hp out and she couldnt get me.. she was this close to callinthe cops when i showed upa t the door steps at 2 am. no mum i promise to live.. worryn is not caring. i ve been in hall for how long.. 2 am 3 am 4 am.. they are all the same.. now everything is the same..
u cant have a simple reason right.. u are not so disappointin .. tell me u are hurtin insid.e. tell me that i m not sth u just pick up and drop.
forgetting all the hurt inside u have learned to hide so well. pretending someone else can come and save u from urself.
today is not an ordinary day. i drove on the express way. i reopened a scar and my worst fears returned. today was not the usual sunday. today has its historical landmarks. awaitin to be opened another day.
there comes a point where oni the shell is left. tell me u will always be. that we have learnt that some changes are reversible and others irreversible. but all changes are irreversible. reversible changes appear oni becos history repeats itself. n so i met up with the irreversible today. what happen happened. a deiifernt dress sense a differnt tone a differnt pitch. i dun know u anymore. but we sruggle for semblance and sainthood. we always do right?
i m in denial. to know you are in denial however is not bein in denial. i m fighthing myself. it is plain to see that it is cold. pseudowarm can keep u warm.. thoughts can gush and flood. mental states can be prolonged. pain has a pain scale. i know u are in a hurry. but i want to get to make sure we bht the seat tickets next to each other. o stranger on the train.
n the whole world threatens to leave me. some say u cannot have it all. some say i want it all.
u are cold. i pray and i plea. that u are not suffering inside.
i pray and i plea and i ll change just to flee. this is how i might become someone else.