Friday, April 27, 2007
Do you remember when
You were way back then
You held the world inside your hands
When you told me love
Was the strongest stuff
Your strength was innocence
But, oh man
The signs of the times are omens
You're starting the day in
No man's land again
Who are you gonna be?
When you're on your knees, who do you believe?
Fear is a lonely man
You've been given innocence
You've been given innocence again
You should know by now
That the darkest hour
Is when your broken heart goes down
It's a bitter end
When the sweet begins
Grace is sufficiency
But, oh dear, we'll never deserce it
No dear, we never could earn it
Now, here the choice is yours
Grace is high and low
We'll never be the same
i am addicted to this song by switchfoot.
okays not on all three lists :) .. i trust my frens know to look for my chinese name haha. wadeva.
life is pretty gd except for the small issues.. sounding selfish but i feel a bit laden so much so that i m immune.
i mean there is so little i can do right. maybe he is right. i had breakfast with josh today.. knowledge cripples.. the more u know the less u can do? and u feel bounded? thats rather tht provoking somewhat like me agst the world.
i didnt choose anything mr creator. sigh. my mum is in pain again. yeah i can thk of a million causes. i m not supposed to sound liddat. actualli i did feel good today after breakfast.
its weird when people who barely know u give insights into ur life. like long time frens who u have not met in ages and they claim things like oh i m sure u will balh blah or i m sure sth is this and that.. can be highly amusing.. more often then not they say things u want to hear.. more often they give u the most false sense of security. or worse ppl who barely know you. sigh but its alrite many things in e world enter one ear and leave thru the other. we will all get by somehow. quizas thats the best thng u can say to another fren.
but still happiness is not free today. wadeva source u can derive.. by all means right? i m glad for where i m today. where istand today. i thank God really.
haha had supper with paul and amry last night. was pretty cool la.. i dunn owhy ..everything is jsut cool abt it.. jc classmate kindergarden fren haha.. and it was short which it lasted much longer. realsie that everyone is so connected. sigh my world is too small.
i m reaing a book on mapping human history using genetics.. mitochondrion DNA and stuff now.. its pretty cool.. i alwasy tht i wil ldo a rare course.. psychology antropology history archaelogy.. yeah the kinda course that will end me up sitting in a box.
I failed. 7:40 AM
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Wednesday, April 25, 2007
thsi is good man. if oni everyday could be liddat. or like these..
ok i finished the episodes of heroes i got. well somehow story isnt ver y original i think i don;t know. and i m losign my patience towatch serials alr.
hada couple of stayovers not bad.. pizza bridge and stuff. chilling and feeling totally at ease with sloth thats cool.
still got a lot of people i wanna meet and catch up with but for now only the med ppl are free.. which is cool. i m feeling lazy to work alr. yeah work is really boring i hope that i will put what i earn to good use man. like go on a damn good trip.
the thing that is on my mind has subsided t oa certain extent.
going back to veejay was fun haha never... wearing the uniform to crash lect seem like the crazy thing that someone liek me would do and i did haha with audrey.. haha mr ho wei kang said oh my gdness its the two of u.. i call police ah u imposters.. apparently the security is not werking haha..
i missed sc hfood actuali.. but they have policies now ewhere they can oni sell certain food on certain days.. health concern.. haha nick;s version of yoda's... bubble tea leads to obesity, obesity leads to diabetes, diabetes lead to suffering...
most of the ppl who came back were from 04 s25.. man its 07 now.. sigh relli old eh.. the council gonna be invested agn.. another batch steps up..
so how muc hhave we grown?
i dunno. i stil lfeel liek the broody moody kid. maybe slightly better but no more contented than b4. i wished i could paint the future but even if u could, what if it isnt a picture u like to see what can u possibly do about it..
my hero is someone happy. he/she has the ability to stay happy always. to be at peace and stop fightin or faulting everything he sees.. andthen i would be the villain.. the billain..ha
they do cell signalling for bio now.. haha G protein baby G..
when i doput my ipod on shuffle i realise wow ther are many songs i have never listen b4.. and mm some are quite nice. see ipod = 30Gb
shouldnt that be the case.. if we put our lives on shuffle and replay random memories .. are they supposed to all be silly and sweet.. esp if u see thenm aas memories alr.
yeah yeah. i dun want to werk alr. i wanna go on strike will u care to join me?
i havent started exercising since pros ha.. or a mth b4 pros..
damn.
mummy;s bday was yest i m so glad i m nit the chronically exam depressed monster yest..
i m so glad i was free..
I failed. 5:20 AM
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Saturday, April 21, 2007
reflections of the kids.
work was pretty tiring yesterday haha i m abt to leave the house for werk again.
a tuition center has in a typical class kids from schools all across the island. i assited teaching or all levels except jc.. well its nth much basically i get t osit when there is an extra space, if the class is full i have to stand. i tht there be breaks but there was none i really attented class from 9 to 7 plus.. pay;s pretty good. but its really boring if u ask me. thats why i m not gonna be a tcha.. i thk hat if u know sth yeah it be cool to teach once in a while but to do it repetitively can be a pain. how many times u wanna draw the same trigo graphs..with little variations. vriations on the wrong answers that students would give, their facial expressions, their groans and lack of appreciation and their fatigue.
thats what everyone is fatigued. i werked on oni two hrs of sleep the night b4.. actuali accidntally dosed off quite a bit.. and my head was throbbing.. i thk the kids are really biger in siz this generation but perhaps its cos these kids i mean who can afford to go for tition generally eat alot more.. big as in obese big and in need of help. sigh.
my mum said perhaps i will see kids who remind me of myself and all.. she is right. i see all sorts of kids yest .. some appreciaive of the ediucation they getting.. really wantng to learn more than others some never being ble to keep up.. copyin too fat too furious .. the whole broad spectrum of learning attitudes. those who need to gel their hair to give them the extra cms.. to those who need to hug onto their umbrellas to study..to those who say really weird things that ppl loaugh to the loud mouth.. in facti can pin point any of these kids to ppl i have ncuntered in sch ..
there are the fast learners who will inish b4 everyone else.. but quietly wait there are the fast learners who make a lot of noise and disturb everyone.. there are ppl aiming to pass and ppl aimin to soar.
there are the peaceful elarners contente with everything there are the appreciative learners and there are the angry youths who know southpark videos liek the palm of their hands. the anger is many of the kids i can sense it i can feel the pain.. i thk youth is a traumatisin time. u can see how many have conformed to the pressures.. even at an age of 10 i m serious.. its sad but at ten they are pulling their hair out alr..
children are always cute.. ok yest was the first time i dealt with p sch really.. and i thk ps sch kids these days have advance alot more.. as in they are so exposed to the media and everything ard them.. they know no less less than many adults its just that they stil lhave kiddy impression abt many things..which is dangerous to a certain extent.
oh no gtg.. to be contd.
I failed. 6:05 PM
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Thursday, April 19, 2007
its time for a super long entry haha right.
troubled boy is back.
yeah feels good to finished papers early. three consecutive heavy back t back papers. well they did carry the i- study- more- than- i- needed- to feeling but that wouldnt be the right attitude uh.
i feel likei m talkin to myself now. i.. more sentences beginning with i. haha troubled boy is what my councilor calls me haha how apt. vanity boy is who i see online all the time haha.. its hard t obeievee taht i have unofiicially finished one yr of med sch. then again i should stop being a bimbo and drop the i cant believe lines. adn there there is really nth left t osay cos everything is fundamentally flawed which i was told makes the world beautiful.
maybe i just have too much ego and pride. maybe i have no self esteem at all. but i dunno where i stand. why do i keep losing. my world shrinks while i see some other jerk's expands. maybe i cant deal with people. i never know waht to say and am always sayin or doing the wrong thngs.. its the dun try too hard syndrome. yes its becos nick needs to be in the center needs to be praised needs the attention. tsk otherwise he rather hides in his room aint that right and come up with an excuse to d laundry.
pros was i tht the first two papers went well. i mean i m not a person who.. yeah there are some pl who keep sayin they will do damn badly and end up like u knw ACEs.. if i think that a paper went badly it norm its really sth serious.and i tht physio was a disaster.. haha sounds awkward but i wished i did my tutorials haha. i dunno. i m afraid.. it kinda puts my mood off reading travel logue.. the whole issue of u oni know u re dead after a mth sucks. yeah results are oni out after a man. make or break do or die.
one love and one salvation. i prayed for the papers. something i havent done in all my skeptism. i dunno issit cos i m cowardy and need that assurance from higher powers abve that i m not gonna be screwed over. i mean i dunno i thk i ll feel damn lousy shuldi fail ath. i studied. but life is liddat. its the truth that life is unfair. cmon nick smile and stop acting like u are in a grave.
reflecting back on the yr.. hmm life goes one circle. will never forget the joy of gettin out of camp. i stil lshudder at the regimentation. the life where no one was stressed. there wasa dude the storeman who believed smoking cured his grand dad's cancer. there were my bunkmates and many pplwith ok this is condescending but i witness many ppl with low to no expectations of life. i mean thats fine they are prob happier. i spend so much time shoutin singin lame songs.. bein made to stand in line.. livin ther useless hierachy with idiots bragging abt themselves incessanty and with nth real getting done. when drinkin water was one big act of formation. right i m nto the uniform guy defnitely no fan. and so i got out and was happy.
spent tme increasin mywerk load serously double tripled my load of tution.. did a couple of jobs which i might go back to soon enuff.. the cash rush. missed the application for hall and worse bursary.. crap must do it this time. but got into hall anw.. and then there were new frens who i was afraid i wouldn be ble to mix with cos everyone are way smarter ruch talelr better lookin than me yeah thats my problem. i feel scared when i meet new ppl.. but it turned up fine. my og was whack. and then started makin really al ot more frens but i felt that everyone else alr knew each other and i wasjust someone p said hi to.
it still feels that way. but right mum said life is abt bein happy. relax move on dun be bothered by others dou r werk well get ur priorities right. yeah but nick says that what others thk is of utmost impt. but soon enuff i was drwned with many thing to do study eat and i dunno what ever else. but sem one ended pretty well.. results and all.. ok normally results is all that matter s rght in our pathetic existnce thus far.
but sem two was pretty fast and well unremarkable. i felt drained. and frankly disillunionised wonderin if i did the right thing.. if med was right and all.. sigh the self doubts that acclimatize so rapidly.. i started wonderin if was meant to be here at all.. i mean i was sick of the non stop studyin sure i like what i learn but htere wa a limit.. sure i couldnt see myself anywhere else..
life throws rocks at us. big ones.
gripes. now that exams are over.. need a job man. i dunno i thk just goin out u can end up spending al ot. .cyclin movies transport lunch.. sig damn fast.
quite alot of ppl i neeed to catch up with. but this kinda things quite exhustin. to keep answerin the how re u doin kinda qns.. ah well.
sit at home watch serials after serials.. get fat.
nono train up. get back my fitness.
... tbc
I failed. 6:24 PM
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Wednesday, April 11, 2007
heys.
i have meant to blog so many times. but i fig fat there be penty of time to next week.
plenty of time to recount my moods my pageant my gains my loses plenty of time to be emo old me.
but yeah i m back from my hiatus to say that i need an avenue to vent it all out. to stop pretending to smile and walkaway when i really wanna get into a fight. to be able to decide what is worth fighting for.
we are broken we are bitter,.
and i saw them holding hands.
i wished i aint ve eyes.
i wish so much. like a spoilt brat.
but i want the stars mummy.
and in the both literal and non literal sense. i wanna be able to have a say on how the sky should be decorated. my skies
i want the stars
there is no point in doin sth that u wun do well in says nick.
and liek the politician he can be.
i m the problem. and chun yat says we all just need a sign.
I failed. 10:28 AM
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