nick
270787
neurological.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Once when our mother called,
She had a voice of last year's cough.
We passed around the phone,
Sharing a word about Oregon.
When my turn came, I was ashamed.
When my turn came, I was ashamed.
Once when moved away,
She came to Romulus for a day.
Her Chevrolet broke down,
We prayed it'd never be fixed or be found.
We touched her hair, we touched her hair.
We touched her hair, we touched her hair.
When she had her last child,
Once when she had some boyfriends, some wild.
She moved away, quite far.
Our grandpa bought us a new VCR.
We watched it all night, we grew up in spite of it.
We watched it all night, we grew up in spite of it.
We saw her once last fall,
Our grandpa died in a hospital gown.
She didn't seem to care,
She smoked in her room and colored her hair.
I was ashamed, I was ashamed of her.
I was ashamed, I was ashamed of her.
I was ashamed, I was ashamed of her.
I was ashamed, I was ashamed of her.
romulus is a nice song gets me into that kinda mood. the calm kind.
it was oni a night ago. quite an exposure i never tht i would ever been in a pageant. pretty interesting. i thk that watching ur frens in a pageant is prob fun. i m glad that it went well. little screw ups. i cant wait t osee teh photos ha.
pageants really well kinda.. i dunno how to describe the feeling. just rather nice to have all ur frens cheering and supporting u i guess. ironic for someone likes me who often feels alone and that no one cares. haha if u could appear on the front cover of a magazine what would that be? i saw a vision of glen at that instant.. an i tht MEdical journal. i fantasize the day when i wun be readin guyton but reading haha med journals.. great werks papers theories research breakthru kinda articles and being able to understand and apprecitethem fully. to be mentally stimulated by genius.
altho it want all pleasant. and pageants have been known to be bitchy in some other instances.. this was a simple one with not so simple requirements but nonetheless i m relieved that i had an item to put up. and my partner was understandng. haha i thk i ll remember teh song perhaps perhaps perhaps for more than just the song of the soo kee ad.
i wished i was hanging out with my frens now watchin the performance. but yeah i m studyin my fren;s bahasa notes. she is really brillant and everyone knows that alr. ha once agn nick tsk leeching off ppl.
i need to take abt 5 more shots b4 my film can be developed.
so random. my bro is discussing church with m y mum and i. i did this to him. i brt him back to church and he is so happy and filled with joy or love wadeva u call it now. btu i m slippin way once agn. i thk religion simplifies things. by too much. faith is a very scary word. i thk its been half a yr since i gone to church ok maybe i na few more mths time it be half a yr.
will u rush into a wall knowing u cant penetrate? will u be that desperate.
She had a voice of last year's cough.
We passed around the phone,
Sharing a word about Oregon.
When my turn came, I was ashamed.
When my turn came, I was ashamed.
Once when moved away,
She came to Romulus for a day.
Her Chevrolet broke down,
We prayed it'd never be fixed or be found.
We touched her hair, we touched her hair.
We touched her hair, we touched her hair.
When she had her last child,
Once when she had some boyfriends, some wild.
She moved away, quite far.
Our grandpa bought us a new VCR.
We watched it all night, we grew up in spite of it.
We watched it all night, we grew up in spite of it.
We saw her once last fall,
Our grandpa died in a hospital gown.
She didn't seem to care,
She smoked in her room and colored her hair.
I was ashamed, I was ashamed of her.
I was ashamed, I was ashamed of her.
I was ashamed, I was ashamed of her.
I was ashamed, I was ashamed of her.
romulus is a nice song gets me into that kinda mood. the calm kind.
it was oni a night ago. quite an exposure i never tht i would ever been in a pageant. pretty interesting. i thk that watching ur frens in a pageant is prob fun. i m glad that it went well. little screw ups. i cant wait t osee teh photos ha.
pageants really well kinda.. i dunno how to describe the feeling. just rather nice to have all ur frens cheering and supporting u i guess. ironic for someone likes me who often feels alone and that no one cares. haha if u could appear on the front cover of a magazine what would that be? i saw a vision of glen at that instant.. an i tht MEdical journal. i fantasize the day when i wun be readin guyton but reading haha med journals.. great werks papers theories research breakthru kinda articles and being able to understand and apprecitethem fully. to be mentally stimulated by genius.
altho it want all pleasant. and pageants have been known to be bitchy in some other instances.. this was a simple one with not so simple requirements but nonetheless i m relieved that i had an item to put up. and my partner was understandng. haha i thk i ll remember teh song perhaps perhaps perhaps for more than just the song of the soo kee ad.
i wished i was hanging out with my frens now watchin the performance. but yeah i m studyin my fren;s bahasa notes. she is really brillant and everyone knows that alr. ha once agn nick tsk leeching off ppl.
i need to take abt 5 more shots b4 my film can be developed.
so random. my bro is discussing church with m y mum and i. i did this to him. i brt him back to church and he is so happy and filled with joy or love wadeva u call it now. btu i m slippin way once agn. i thk religion simplifies things. by too much. faith is a very scary word. i thk its been half a yr since i gone to church ok maybe i na few more mths time it be half a yr.
will u rush into a wall knowing u cant penetrate? will u be that desperate.
I failed. 6:39 AM
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Wednesday, March 21, 2007
i got a comment on my frenster from an old fren that says hey hope u re doin fine in med and bringing joy to the ppl ard u liek u always do. do i? i dun seem to rmb who i was or what i m doin now. me joy? doesnt seem one bit synonymous.
i bring nth but burden adn pain to ppl. i ahte myself why does it have to be like this. i ve done really badly. this time totally "out"did myself. i feel liek crap. the world is not gonan take a moment for me. i sure learnt thsi lesson b4. i wish i couldfade away i nthe background now. btu i cant. i wish i could confide in ppl who i feel that i have to be strong in fornt of. yeah i dun have to. but i want to cos oni then i will feel liek i m up to my own standard.
i m weak. and useless. and a piece of shit.
how? i ve oni one last shot to make things right. thre weeks. is barely enuff. i m not doin well i nath i do at all. at all atall at allat alll...
save me.
i bring nth but burden adn pain to ppl. i ahte myself why does it have to be like this. i ve done really badly. this time totally "out"did myself. i feel liek crap. the world is not gonan take a moment for me. i sure learnt thsi lesson b4. i wish i couldfade away i nthe background now. btu i cant. i wish i could confide in ppl who i feel that i have to be strong in fornt of. yeah i dun have to. but i want to cos oni then i will feel liek i m up to my own standard.
i m weak. and useless. and a piece of shit.
how? i ve oni one last shot to make things right. thre weeks. is barely enuff. i m not doin well i nath i do at all. at all atall at allat alll...
save me.
I failed. 6:52 AM
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Tuesday, March 20, 2007
i wished i had a camera function in me. i couldthen ccapture the rare happy occasion my eyes sees. the rare rare times when i feel that i m floating. i could relive all the memories i ever want.. all the speechless memoriess where words were unnecessary.
but i am not a camera.
malay CA is next week. sigh i haven;t been keepin up n class. pageant is this friday. lets call it a test of frenship eh. meaning no matter how i embarass myself no matter how i ugh. hopefully ppl will be kind enuff to forget and live the next mornin like nth happened. buti thk thats how embarassment work. often we think too much abt it ourselves. ijust have to be less self conscious.
time is running out. once agn.
and i cant get u off my mind.
but i am not a camera.
malay CA is next week. sigh i haven;t been keepin up n class. pageant is this friday. lets call it a test of frenship eh. meaning no matter how i embarass myself no matter how i ugh. hopefully ppl will be kind enuff to forget and live the next mornin like nth happened. buti thk thats how embarassment work. often we think too much abt it ourselves. ijust have to be less self conscious.
time is running out. once agn.
and i cant get u off my mind.
I failed. 5:05 PM
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Monday, March 19, 2007
i am blessed. its time to strategize for pros. anat results was well... i didnt fail. hich i really coud have. yeah it was quite bad but i m relieved. i m feeling pretty good. having gone home for 4 days, caught up with old frens, spoke to ppl i want to speak. right now i need to be positive and focus on tasks at hand.
yeap.
yeap.
I failed. 4:06 AM
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Friday, March 16, 2007
i don;t believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now.
nadia is the name of the pizza i ordered from a pizza place in balmoral plaza.
nadia is the name of my p sch's best fren's sister
nadia is a very nice name
where are u prison break episode 20? where are you HOuse Md episodes after 14 season 3.
u gonna be the one that saves me.
the feeling wun go away. hmm maybe its not sucha bad thing. it might keep me motivated. i dun wanan screw things up this time. i ll take as long as it takes.
everthing in life takes a bit of getting used to. a little building step, a little inchng, a sumated acculmation loneliness. reading capacties, stamina, friendships, boredom. bus rides grow shorter. distances become tolerable, nerves become overstimulated.
give me strength and determination again.
i dun wanna visit the past cos u were never there. i think i will wait for this one.
nadia is the name of the pizza i ordered from a pizza place in balmoral plaza.
nadia is the name of my p sch's best fren's sister
nadia is a very nice name
where are u prison break episode 20? where are you HOuse Md episodes after 14 season 3.
u gonna be the one that saves me.
the feeling wun go away. hmm maybe its not sucha bad thing. it might keep me motivated. i dun wanan screw things up this time. i ll take as long as it takes.
everthing in life takes a bit of getting used to. a little building step, a little inchng, a sumated acculmation loneliness. reading capacties, stamina, friendships, boredom. bus rides grow shorter. distances become tolerable, nerves become overstimulated.
give me strength and determination again.
i dun wanna visit the past cos u were never there. i think i will wait for this one.
I failed. 10:25 AM
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Wednesday, March 14, 2007
CA2 is over. i havent done my best at all. or i couldnt.
i never want to feel like this again. mental burnout.
i need to start picking myself up now. thnk positive and pul lthru the upcoming pros.
i was feeling very lonely tired and burntout this whle exams. it was like i knew the answers but i just couldnt write the right things. my mind was elsewehre nto sue where. depression really sank in and i couldnt put my finger to where or why. jsut felt liek i couldnt breathe. maybe its cos of my lack of faith. maybe its cos i try too hard to be who i m not. mybe its cos i dunno who i am. or what i m doing.
we all want to be admired want t o impress . i guess i desire that more than anyone else. i forgot what it wa like to talk to ppl. jsut felt really impatient. lost my appetite and even ability to sleep. felt liek i was goin i ncircles. haha funniest part i even went to check otuhte counseling service. but decided it may have repercussions on the future.
kums told me i ave been like that since the first day he knew me. it was just buildinup slowly in me.
i really wished i had a compass.
but its up to me. rather than wallowing n the state of things. i guess its time to move on. find meaning.
its time to pick up momentum for real.
i never want to feel like this again. mental burnout.
i need to start picking myself up now. thnk positive and pul lthru the upcoming pros.
i was feeling very lonely tired and burntout this whle exams. it was like i knew the answers but i just couldnt write the right things. my mind was elsewehre nto sue where. depression really sank in and i couldnt put my finger to where or why. jsut felt liek i couldnt breathe. maybe its cos of my lack of faith. maybe its cos i try too hard to be who i m not. mybe its cos i dunno who i am. or what i m doing.
we all want to be admired want t o impress . i guess i desire that more than anyone else. i forgot what it wa like to talk to ppl. jsut felt really impatient. lost my appetite and even ability to sleep. felt liek i was goin i ncircles. haha funniest part i even went to check otuhte counseling service. but decided it may have repercussions on the future.
kums told me i ave been like that since the first day he knew me. it was just buildinup slowly in me.
i really wished i had a compass.
but its up to me. rather than wallowing n the state of things. i guess its time to move on. find meaning.
its time to pick up momentum for real.
I failed. 7:32 PM
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Monday, March 12, 2007
tml is physio. brain waves turbulent as far as i can tell. nth is going into my head. chances are i will screw up agn. today's paper was quite bad. didnt really study hard for it i guess. there were qns that i really dunno how to do and i could do them all. but those that were things i was comfortable with i made mistakes.
wads wrogn man. its nto as if i have never done badly b4. why do i feel so unfocused unable to conc on tml now. i m barely half way ready for physio. i feel like giving up alr. i need t ose a shrink or sth. maybe a psych. i thk the world hates me. i see group of frens and pp leevrywhere btu i feel all alone. i feel tha t i keep doin things that are unncecessary and stupid. making ppl go in circles for my sake. like hall application.
i guess all i can say s that i m screwed up.
i m starting to wonder if life is any good. if i just go away quietly tonight it might do the world good. it just might.
wads wrogn man. its nto as if i have never done badly b4. why do i feel so unfocused unable to conc on tml now. i m barely half way ready for physio. i feel like giving up alr. i need t ose a shrink or sth. maybe a psych. i thk the world hates me. i see group of frens and pp leevrywhere btu i feel all alone. i feel tha t i keep doin things that are unncecessary and stupid. making ppl go in circles for my sake. like hall application.
i guess all i can say s that i m screwed up.
i m starting to wonder if life is any good. if i just go away quietly tonight it might do the world good. it just might.
I failed. 4:03 AM
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tml is physio. brain waves turbulent as far as i can tell. nth is going into my head. chances are i will screw up agn. today's paper was quite bad. didnt really study hard for it i guess. there were qns that i really dunno how to do and i could do them all. but those that were things i was comfortable with i made mistakes.
wads wrogn man. its nto as if i have never done badly b4. why do i feel so unfocused unable to conc on tml now. i m barely half way ready for physio. i feel like giving up alr. i need t ose a shrink or sth. maybe a psych. i thk the world hates me. i see group of frens and pp leevrywhere btu i feel all alone. i feel tha t i keep doin things that are unncecessary and stupid. making ppl go in circles for my sake. like hall application.
i guess all i can say s that i m screwed up.
i m starting to thk if life is any good. if i just go away quietly tonight it might do the world good. it just might.
wads wrogn man. its nto as if i have never done badly b4. why do i feel so unfocused unable to conc on tml now. i m barely half way ready for physio. i feel like giving up alr. i need t ose a shrink or sth. maybe a psych. i thk the world hates me. i see group of frens and pp leevrywhere btu i feel all alone. i feel tha t i keep doin things that are unncecessary and stupid. making ppl go in circles for my sake. like hall application.
i guess all i can say s that i m screwed up.
i m starting to thk if life is any good. if i just go away quietly tonight it might do the world good. it just might.
I failed. 4:03 AM
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Friday, March 2, 2007
i should be sleeping. race tomorrow. hopefully not the last. east coast. on the other hand facing another race. estimated time left : one week. motivation kinda low. distractions kinda many. man i m stressed i ll be lying if i said i wasnt at this point of time. honestly i wasnt until now.
and desperate times call for desperate measure. thephotos show the mess and the kiasuism i displayed for my a levels. oh results were released today. its been a year man. totally can ebgage in the rolelr coaster of emotions that must have played in the minds of my juniors. but i have my own trailer ride for now. the ,ess that i m creating for the upcoming can almost rival the one in the picture. bleagh and i m thinkin of doin my wall art thing agn just that there isnt much wall i nhall . head and neck is really hard. for the other parts of the body u can more or less visual everything with my eyes closed at least 70 percent. the key is awlays the neurovascular once u get the outline u get the viscera but in the head the outline is not so clear cut. i need my wall of head and neck. half way thr alr..
and then there is physio and biochem. biochem argh genetics untouched virtually everything untouched.. physio untouched as well. SPENDING TOO MUCH Time on SPOTS and STIll not feelin all confident. i m betting on physio and bio chem to be really hard.
in the emantime sigh i hate pageant rehearsal i jsut feel that i du nbelong and i m gonna make a fool of myself and i have no more tiem to spare. bahasa is taki nalot of time too. hais and i need to thk abt my holidays.
i wanna start plannin the trip asap.. maybe do diving courses or werk on myessay for the japan scholarship. immersion sounds great tho i wonder if i ll put in effort that is anywhere near great.
sigh i really have a lot on my mind.
say eicosanoids.
I failed. 8:11 AM
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